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When Shit Hits The Fan

 

2021 December

Shit hit the fan and I was left to clean it up.

I failed in writing my response papers at my fellowship. I failed to respect the idea of novelty in the subject. I failed to create the make sense of the time that was given to me. I narrated the story that I had come with. That I knew what I wanted, that what I wanted was exactly same as what I needed. It is the novelty of the newness. Most thing get ignored when only some needs to be focused. Please get out of my head, the irritation persisted. I am not in a frame of mind, I would say, like I would say to my mother, who would barge into my room to ask something.

The thought that I had not failed loomed constantly, I would reassure myself again and again, that I was okay. Nothing was.

 

15 people in my family had passed through covid-19. More than 6 were in hospital during the festival of Diwali. I had visited none, not even once did I visit them to ask. That was not the worst part. I couldn’t accept, I couldn’t deny, the fact was I was left hanging with the shield that I was okay. The heaviness, in the chest was ignored now and again. It was done deal. Once, you get away from the responsive senses, it makes sense to do more to protect itself. Especially when facing adversity. It becomes something that can be the only thing you cling onto once the dust storm comes. You are not immune, the bone strength and courage is implanted in the shield in front, and every bet is made on one defense. The coin chest is spent over the years in singular spending generating no revenue for making oneself stronger.

 

The idea is stronger than it sounds. The absence hits deeper. I had failed I knew it in the subconscious. I didn’t think that I would come to it. It did happen that I had touched rock-bottom now. And there is no getting away once you are there. What do you do when you can’t cry? You get angry, because you are keeping up the last defense to save the reptilian mind from the eventual defeat.  The fear doesn’t generate hunger naturally when you are dependent on all your investments. Natural instinct is to redirect effort to save the resources to save yourself. You don’t learn in the process and you don’t reflect. As a leader you are expected to reflect. The confidence accumulation by any chance if done right can set you right.  

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