Skip to main content

When Shit Hits The Fan

 

2021 December

Shit hit the fan and I was left to clean it up.

I failed in writing my response papers at my fellowship. I failed to respect the idea of novelty in the subject. I failed to create the make sense of the time that was given to me. I narrated the story that I had come with. That I knew what I wanted, that what I wanted was exactly same as what I needed. It is the novelty of the newness. Most thing get ignored when only some needs to be focused. Please get out of my head, the irritation persisted. I am not in a frame of mind, I would say, like I would say to my mother, who would barge into my room to ask something.

The thought that I had not failed loomed constantly, I would reassure myself again and again, that I was okay. Nothing was.

 

15 people in my family had passed through covid-19. More than 6 were in hospital during the festival of Diwali. I had visited none, not even once did I visit them to ask. That was not the worst part. I couldn’t accept, I couldn’t deny, the fact was I was left hanging with the shield that I was okay. The heaviness, in the chest was ignored now and again. It was done deal. Once, you get away from the responsive senses, it makes sense to do more to protect itself. Especially when facing adversity. It becomes something that can be the only thing you cling onto once the dust storm comes. You are not immune, the bone strength and courage is implanted in the shield in front, and every bet is made on one defense. The coin chest is spent over the years in singular spending generating no revenue for making oneself stronger.

 

The idea is stronger than it sounds. The absence hits deeper. I had failed I knew it in the subconscious. I didn’t think that I would come to it. It did happen that I had touched rock-bottom now. And there is no getting away once you are there. What do you do when you can’t cry? You get angry, because you are keeping up the last defense to save the reptilian mind from the eventual defeat.  The fear doesn’t generate hunger naturally when you are dependent on all your investments. Natural instinct is to redirect effort to save the resources to save yourself. You don’t learn in the process and you don’t reflect. As a leader you are expected to reflect. The confidence accumulation by any chance if done right can set you right.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Demons and Dungeons : A Framework to Learn In Teams

I have been called many things in my life. Team player is not one of them. It is not as if I have worked in many teams, or many teams have chosen me to work with them. I am the kid who was left out from the group formation as a kid in middle-school standard. Imagine the isolation. Recently, Aparna Piramal Raje, who is also my professor, quoted : Dare to stand alone,  Dare to make yourself grow, Dare to find your purpose, Dare to make it known.  Imagine, I have been doing it since I was a kid. The presence of a group can seem less fortunate sometimes than presence of lone Sysiphious warrior. Although now, it is difficult in a hyper-globalized world. I am learning the art of group management and negotiation, treading Moore's law every second. Since years, when I started volunteering. In the past few months I have been found fortunate opportunity with Anant Fellowship. I am a part of team with four more people. We have frequent conversations on Google meet. We have weekly interac...
Post a Comment
Read more

Glasshouse of My Dreams

I am a human being. I need to prove it day and night. As a human being I have to caricature the values of the people around me. To be human is to be a part of a tribe. A tribe with norms and positions with a role. I did not choose a lot of things in life. My mother, my father, my brother, my sister. Even my wife wasn’t chosen by me. I am a passive person true to Shakespearean quote, “ we are but actors in a play, acting the roles”. I have thought sometimes, who is the playright ? My mother told me it was the god who made the stage, wrote the script and directed us all. As long as we did good to our loved ones, played by the rules of the society and did good karma I will one day get off the stage and sit peacefully at the end of my life.  I had accepted all of it with humility. It is a hereditary trait in my tribe. My ilk and kith rely on the buttons that are programmed since ages. To listen and do no evil. Yes sir, no sir, jee huzoor, hanji maalik, in my mouth rings all these monik...
1 comment
Read more

The Memory

As she entered the gates of the college the earth beneath and sky above had no meaning or significance anymore. Societal problems, political games,public interactions; all had lost their meaning along with respective importance as her dream was being realized. This college was everything that she had worked for; sacrificing friends which formed an integral part of her life, dinners and outings which gave sent a whiff of fresh air through her bod and newspaper, which due to no specific connection with the exams weren't important anymore. Each step through the college gates leading towards the admin block just urged her to pinch herself, for an ambitious dream had turned into reality; and she did pinch while constantly peeling her finger skin overpowered by anxiety. Suddenly she tripped on the red sandstone path but she could not see due to what. What was happening she panicked. The college gates turned hazy and started vanishing as she looked around.She was suppos...
Post a Comment
Read more